


When You Say Nothing

by Calzonafan2014



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 14:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4568481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calzonafan2014/pseuds/Calzonafan2014
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After recent revelations, Stef and Lena finally have the heart-to-heart they've been avoiding. Can they survive?</p>
            </blockquote>





	When You Say Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick update for those who read this before the finale. I've decided to leave this as a one shot instead of continuing it. I like what the show did in ending on the happier note. So I'm going to work on 30 Days and 30 nights. And then, if I manage to finish that one, there will be one that will touch on the subject matter that this one ended on. But I agree with the writers - Stef and Lena needed a breather before their next crisis.

Stef cleaned and organized and prepared for Lena’s parents’ party and did her damndest to ignore the fist that constricted her heart along with the knot that had taken up residence in her stomach and prevented her from eating so much as a piece of toast all day. She didn’t know how to deal with this. She had five kids who needed every piece of her body and half her soul, and all she wanted to do was curl into a ball and cry for a week. But there was no time for that. So Stef made her way to the garage to search for the centerpieces and promptly stubbed her toe against the couch that had clearly been moved since her last visit. She proceeded to kick the hell out of it in return when Lena walked in.

“I don’t think it’s the couch’s fault your wife is an idiot,” Lena said, attempting to use humor the way Stef so often did before an apology. But Stef merely looked up at her with dull eyes and Lena took a fortifying breath.

“Stef…” she began. 

But Stef turned her back on Lena and proceeded towards the centerpieces on the other side of the damn couch. “This isn’t the time Lena.” 

But Lena wasn’t having any of that.

“Yes. Yes it is the time. Right this minute there is nothing more important, not Callie’s adoption, Connor moving away, my parents’ anniversary…nothing is more important than us.” 

At the word us Stef turned her head and looked pointedly at Lena from across the room, "Is there an us?”

“Yes! Yes there is an us! We are surrounded by us.” Lena threw apart her hands and gestured around the garage filled with boxes and boxes of memories. And then she made her way carefully towards her wife.

“Stef, I made an awful, horrible mistake. Not, not the one you think I made. Me not telling you about the kiss was not because I have any romantic feelings for Monte. Because I do not. How could I when my heart is entirely filled with my love for you?”  
  
“You’ve been unhappy,” Stef acknowledged.  
  
“We talked about that,” Lena readily agreed. 

“I thought we had,” Stef replied sadly, and Lena physically ached for her wife. She sighed as she realized that there was nothing left but to share the embarrassing truth of it all.

“I'm jealous,” Lena said.  
  
“Of what?” Stef asked, clearly flabbergasted.

“Everyone. Even our kids. Maybe especially our kids. I have to drag you kicking and screaming away from them to spend any time alone with me. Sometimes it feels like everyone comes before us – before me. And I know it’s selfish. It’s awful to be jealous of my own children.  But sometimes, sometimes I am. I want to be the most important person in your life. The way you are in mine.”

 Lena thought that this truth, her deepest and most shameful secret, would help Stef understand that there was absolutely no one else in the world to her. But Stef’s pain was still naked and vulnerable.

“What is it? What is wrong, Stef? Please, just talk to me.”

“Gretchen.” 

“My ex?” Stef nodded and Lena struggled to keep up.

“What about her?” 

“She knew. She knew you wanted to get married. Have a baby. Monte,” Stef took a shuddering breath. “You talked to her. Shared with her. Why Lena? Why, if I am so important to you, do you choose to share your most intimate self with everyone but me?”  
  
Lena bit back her instinctive rejection. Stef knew her better than anyone had in her entire life. Better than her own mother for God’s sake. And yet…

“I’m scared,” she admitted as much to herself as Stef. 

Stef nodded as this seemed to confirm her worst fears and tears began to flow steadily down her cheeks.

Lena shook her head. She hadn’t meant it that way.

“I knew how you felt about marriage. If I had told you or asked you to marry me, what would have become of us if you’d said no?” Lena asked. Yes, she'd wanted to get married. But she'd wanted Stef more.

“When have I ever said no to you Lena? I agreed to have a baby with Timothy for pity’s sake.” 

“Why did you?”  
  
“Because that’s what you wanted.”

 “But you didn’t.” Lena stated calmly. And there it was. The issue that had caused the only major crack in their entire, eleven year relationship.  
  
 “I loved Frankie,” Stef whispered, her voice filled with deep pain but also a core truth. “She was our baby, and I loved her. I think about her every day. How I never got to hold her and tell her that. And I hate the thought that she might know that for one-second, before she was even real, that I didn’t want her, and that when push came to shove, I chose you Lena. I chose you over our little girl.” 

Lena’s eyes filled even as she covered the remaining distance separating her from her wife and took her into her arms. Stef wrapped her entire being around Lena and held on for dear life.

"It's not your fault," Lena whispered to her wife. And when Stef just held on tighter and cried Lena cursed herself for being so wrapped up in her own pain that she missed the fact that her wife, her protector, might think she blamed her.   
  
"I know how much you loved her," Lena added. Because she finally did. Maybe she hadn't before. Maybe she'd thought that because Stef hadn't wanted a baby at first, that the loss of Frankie wasn't as deep. Maybe she'd even been a tiny bit mad at her for that. And so she'd talked to Monte about Frankie instead of her wife. Lena had no idea at the moment how she could have possibly felt that way. So she just held Stef tight as all of the tensions of the past months finally slipped away from them both. 

“I love you,” Stef whispered into Lena’s ear.  
  
“I love you too," Lena replied immediately. And oh God did she ever. Her love for her wife was overwhelming in the moment and she kissed her hard on top of her head. “Promise me that we’ll never let ourselves get this disconnected again. I can’t lose you Stef."

Stef’s eyes clenched tightly closed as she wrapped herself even tighter around her wife. 

“Stef?” Lena asked suddenly scared as she felt Stef’s sudden tension reverberate back through her.

Stef reluctantly released Lena and took a small step back, her hand gently cupping Lena’s face and eyes brimming with a return of the warmth and love that Lena hadn’t realized she’d taken for granted until it had suddenly disappeared. 

“What’s wrong?” Lena asked. 

“The call from this morning, it was from Dr. Cohen’s office.” 

The tension that had finally drained away was suddenly replaced by sheer terror as Lena struggled to comprehend this new hell. 

"But it's been over five years. You were in the clear."


End file.
